Me, Watashiwa, Ya

well my last post was one that was written due to anger but now i am okay.. but that does not mean i am NOT controlling my food and wat goes in my mouth.. .. hmm

anyway, am not eating rice, have not touched rice since 2 weeks now.. wow.. there goes my favourite nasi lemak. I only have one meal a day, that too is usually one slice of bread or some fruits. I am so proud of myself.

Okay enuff about me weight problem..

Did you guys know that i am shifting? Yeah moving to a new place in bukit jalil.. why? cause it is easier for my baby to travel. He now commutes everyday to work. So by staying there, he ca practically walk to work. Since i have a car, i really don mind travelling around a bit, and i like bukit jalil.. quieter.. well compared to brickfields lah We are also looking for a place to buy either savanna 1 2 or greenfields. So it is easier to look for a place to buy when  you are actually staying around there.

I was recently told by my artistes that i should be like that dude in entourage. he said that is the best way to learn how to be a kick ass artiste manager.. hmm anyone got entourage dvd i can borrow?

i am sure some of you would have heard news about a local tamil actress, Sujatha passed away recently. In fact she passed away as the same date as my uncle. She was only 30 years old..  a lot of speculations going around about her death, which i have no idea of. Anyway, it was weird doing her dubbing recently for her last drama she acted before she died. It was NOT emotional, despite the fact i thought it was going to be like that. I did it in less than 3 hours, 14 scenes.

But when i was driving home, i was thinking to myself, that at that point when she was shooting the movie, i am sure she had no idea that she was going to die.. quite positively sure of that. Funny how life is eh? You never know what comes tomorrow.

You never know..

Anyway today i get to go home early.. yay.. wanna chill and watch some tv.. pasar malam also today.. maybe have some.. taufoofah (which i will tah pau and keep in the fridge and eat the next day morning as breakfast - yummy and healthy) think will eat kuaci as usual ha ha ha

Am I fat? This is a very sensitive matter to discuss to many, and to my friends they will remember days when I was REALLY thin.. but I was then.. SICK! Sorry guys nightmare begins again.

I was recently commented in a party, that I was Fat and that i need to loose some weight. I am well aware of the fact that I have put on some weight in the past 5 years ( i was a scary 45kgs) and honestly, I am not too sure if i looked good then, but yes i WAS thinner.

I KNOW i am overweight, I know that i need to loose some pounds, the tummy, the lovehandles, the flabs under my arm, the cellulites that’s been growing on me like weeds unknowingly on my thighs and ahem.. The bum! yes, it is not a fact that i don’t know until i need someone to point it out to me, but when someone actually says "You are fat! You need to loose weight" and in front of people, you tell yourself "yeah, i am fat and that hurts when people tell me on my face"

You know what I did when i heard that? i cried.. why? cause..

- if had affected me so much in the past that i end up doing what i don wanna do.. and if it happens again.. i will NOT eat, I will throw up every time i DO eat.. i will be sick, i will be this person i promised people i love in my life i wont do. Don be upset guys, but it is not my fault! You will feel it when people do this to you.

Yeah do it healthily you may say, you know it takes forever? It takes a long time to get over the weight.. yeah control your food.. but hello living in Malaysia.. let’s be practical shall we?

So what do I do? I do it my way. I keep track of what i eat, and i ensure i don eat or nothing much. Eg eh? Well like Tuesday, cereals the morning (healthy), fruits for lunch (healthy again) nothing for dinner. (yay starvation rules!)

Yes, it is a scary thought. But you know what, it is a sure fire wayto loose those pounds and save tonnes of money. you kill 2 birds in one stone. for those of you who do not know me that well, this is a confession of a bullimic and an anorexic gal who has been through it all. TRUST ME!

You meet people you have not met in months and years, and the first thing you hear is "hey you put on weight ah" *including that unmissable body gesture showing you are fat*. Though you smile and shake it off, deep inside you, there is hurt. No, stop denying. I feel that way when people tell me that. Why cant they phrase it as "You look so much better now, please maintain. This is the look for you", if their initial intention is NOT TO HURT YOU.

Truth is, people say these things cause they want you to feel hurt at times, i think. They say it to make themselves feel better maybe *ooh she is soo much fatter than i am.. * * oohh look she finally put on weight and looks so fat. She deserves it!*

They think "maybe she dono", but hello.. do you think we are blind and stupid? We have mirrors that show how we look, and our clothes don fit the way they used to. So piss off!

No matter what i say, the underlying truth is, YES I KNOW I AM FAT! and i am not happy nor proud of it. I have always been skinny in my life till lately, and i am changing it.

Why? Why bother, you ask?

Cause i cannot have people telling me stuff like that. I dont want it to affect me, but i cant help it. And i wanna prove a point. I can be thin, and i will not look good.

This entry is to tell many people that if i don eat when i come to your house for a party, when you ask me out for dinner, when we go mamak, or lunch or attend parties together, don blame me. Don talk me out of it. Please don even try. I need to lose that almost 15 kgs that i have put on since my 45kg days, and it hurts to know that people think that i am fat.